Eve's Times is happy to announce that Family Therapist and Parent-Teacher educator Brinda Jayaraman will answer any query you want to ask relating to interpersonal interactions. Send in your questions to askbrinda@evestimesonline.com or send to our office directly.
I am an eighteen year old college girl. In my college, girls come well groomed and in good clothes. While in school my parents used to encourage me to involve myself in a lot of activities and spend money generously for competitions. But now that I am in college , they are protesting whenever I ask them for support to go to other colleges or cities to take part in competitions. They feel I am spending too much money. I need to spend for wearing good clothes and hang out with my friends in coffee pubs, my cell phone and the internet because I need these to do well in my college in all activities. How do I make my parents understand that spending for all these is also a part of college expenses?
From your point of view your may have justifiable needs which are not perceived as essentials by your parents. This is the case with many students. After entering college, they demand more freedom; but parents are diffident to give freedom, as they fear misuse. May be if you prove to them that you will handle your freedom in a responsible manner in all your other activities, they will start trusting you. I believe you are not in a position to revolt against their belief system, because, “Beggars cannot be choosers.” I quote this here, only to highlight your present plight. Not to degrade you. So count your blessings-they have given you a cell phone! If you notice peers who are in a worse plight than you are, this regret about parents will disappear. The saying, “I was upset that I didn’t have shoes until I saw someone without legs” is apt to help you change your attitude. I also have another suggestion; you could explore the possibilities of any part time job, which might fetch you some income. If you get money. do spend it carefully and take your parents by surprise.
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I have a peculiar problem. My nine-year old daughter still wets her bed sometimes in her sleep. We are a happy family and we have only one daughter, who is quite obedient and seems to be happy. I am very close to her. However, when she was young, my husband used to force her to go to bed every night by 9.30 pm, sometimes even beating her. Is that the reason why she continues to still wet the bed? We don't have a major problem, and she gets along fine with her father. She is otherwise active and bold and takes part in all school activities. I am embarrassed to discuss this problem with anybody. I try to ensure that she doesn't take fluids before going to bed. Docs do not find any other physical ailment and say that she will be alright soon. I don't know what to do.
The involuntary emptying of urinary bladder during nights is nocturnal enuresis. The causes of enuresis can be physical, psychological (emotional problems, stressful events etc.) or a combination of both. You have said that the physical aspects have been checked. Whatever be the cause, take all precautions (like waking her up in the middle of the night, not giving fluids before going to bed etc.) to prevent wetting the bed. Teach her autosuggestions-to tell herself that she would have a dry bed. This problem will, in most cases, have a natural death as the child grows older, if parents do not pass on their anxiety to the child! Do not punish/ridicule her for wetting the bed. She already must be feeling very guilty/ashamed that she is unable to control her habit. Punishment may hurt her or humiliate her. Even one night of dry bed is worth a reward, praise, compliments or a special time. Take care not to encourage teasing by her siblings. It would help to a great extent if you identify and reduce family problems that may cause the child emotional stress. If possible, arrange her own bed and provide privacy. Bedwetting is sometimes a way of protesting against a real or imagined injustice such as lack of privacy or personal space.
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Eve's Times is happy to announce that Family Therapist and Parent-Teacher educator Brinda Jayaraman will answer any query you want to ask relating to interpersonal interactions. Send in your questions to askbrinda@evestimesonline.com or send to our office directly.
I am a twenty-one years old boy. I am doing my final year B.Com. My dream is to do MBA However, due to family circumstances, I need to go to work. My sister is motivating me to do MBA through correspondence but my friends say that there is no value for MBA if done through correspondence course. Do you think I should consider correspondence course?
I appreciate your drive to go forward in life. Some institutes that run distance education programmes have gained a good reputation about their courses. How would you identify these institutes? Please do not go by advertisements. Spot people who have done MBA through distance education in such institutes and find out how those courses are valued in the job market. You need to constantly keep talking to many people to get information about MBA's. Doing distance education while working demands hard work and effective time management skills. Please make sure about these aspects. The other alternate is to get into a reputed regular institution for MBA. After some years of work experience, you will enjoy the course. You will have to work hard to get admission! The advantage in doing MBA in a regular school is that the environment will be very challenging as you will be meeting your classmates who have also gone through the grinding entrance tests. As Lincoln said 'triumph' is 'umph' added to 'try'. I wish you the best of luck in your venture.
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After the marriage of our only daughter, my husband & I are having enormous problems. . He has taken VRS from a bank. He never helps around and wants hot meals on time. He keeps criticising whatever I do. All he seems to be doing is to watch TV or read books. He is only 55 and is quite healthy. I have a lot of work and I do social work with a group of friends. How to make my husband understand and keep him engaged? He doesn't want to work anymore.
A confused homemaker
Are you sure that the problems cropped up after your daughter's marriage? I sense they are surfacing now, because the buffer is absent! You both are suddenly left to interact with each other. Not helping you, demanding hot meals and criticising you, I am sure, are not sudden changes in him! When children are around, our minds are preoccupied with their needs; we keep playing the parent mode and rarely the couple mode! If you have been feeding these expectations all along, you have no reason to grumble now; but, yes, you are tired of it! One thing is in your hands-simplify your workload; keep food in hot cases etc. so that you do not feel guilty. After many years of married life, does it matter whether your spouse criticises you or praises you? Looks like your husband did not plan how to spend his time after VRS. If he prefers watching TV to talking to you, why do you get bogged down? I appreciate that you have found an outlet in social service and I suggest you continue doing it, as your batteries will be recharged! But please check whether you keep boasting or glorifying your services, because that would irritate him to the extent possible! The urgent task is to stop nagging him, if you do it as a habit! (I need to ask him!) Not being able to handle the gap, you become short-fused! Your grievances, his chauvinistic (?) behaviour are not the trouble. Both of you are missing your daughter. Please take the separation in your stride and let her grow in many dimensions. Don't forget that your worrying will cause ripple effects in her and disturb her!
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I am a woman of 26 years from a middle class family. My father, who believes in educating men, financed my younger brother to continue his education in college while he stopped my studies after Plus 2 even though I got good marks. Somehow I have managed to qualify myself in a couple of computer courses and have found a modest job for myself. I am not interested in marriage because my father has another woman and a family through her. I am a very open person and I protested against my father's infidelity when I came to know about it. As a result my father and I are always at loggerheads and he refused to do anything for me. My relatives tried to arrange an alliance for me. But somehow the men they saw for me seemed to have bad habits like alcoholism, affairs or did not like my going to work even though I offered to leave the job after marriage. I have Mars dosha and my family insists that I should get married only after considering this and from our own caste. As a result I have not been able to get a suitable man. Now I have decided not to marry. However my mother and friends feels that I will have problems later in life if I remain unmarried. Is my decision right, given the fact that I don't have a strong career going for me?
My friend,
I appreciate your boldness and resilience. It is true that marriage is not a solution to any problem and certain amount of risk is involved in choosing your partner. The other option of staying a spinster also has its share of problems. " Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." (Barnett R. Brickner). If the couple is determined to make it work, any issue can be sorted out! Dr. Abraham Maslow talks of gratification of human needs as being the basis for human behaviour. The need to belong/to be loved is one of the basic needs and in your family environment, it seems like this need is not gratified. You might start getting frustrated/depressed and lose focus of your goals. So please keep searching for a suitable match. With the model you have seen, please do not interpret that all men are 'bad' and erase the opinion that all who drink are alcoholics/bad people. Make your decision about marriage independently, without getting influenced by what your relatives say. Be very clear about what type of person you are looking for. Marriage can give you a lot of emotional security, although it is package deal with the load of problems. While on search operations, may be you can equip yourself more in your educational qualifications, which would enhance your career.
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I have a friend who is very ambitious and is intelligent too. She also comes from a very rich family. But I was shocked to know about this because she is studying in my college where most students are from less fortunate families. We became closer and I could find out that her parents do not want her to do anything in life. Their idea is to just let her complete her post graduation and marry her of to the first rich alliance that comes her way. One of the reasons for this is because her father seems to be a philanderer. Despite this he is imposing a lot of restrictions on her so that she does not 'go out of line.' Hence she was sent to the corporation school, and then to this college. She is a very good singer and had taken training in Carnatic music. She has not been allowed to participate in any college event and her music lessons have been stopped. She has chosen a subject of her father's choice. Her mother too is very much supportive of her father , despite knowing about her husband. Her mother seems to have given up long ago and my friend also seems lifeless and depressed all the time. To make matters worse, her brother , though ordinary was paid a heavy capitation fees and educated in a premier Engineering college, went abroad and studied and married a foreigner, with the father's blessings. I feel very angry and upset that my friend is living like a prisoner in her own house and all her talents and ambitions have come crashing down. Do you think she has any solution, that I can give her? At least if she reads this column, ( she is a regular reader of Eve's Times) she will understand what opportunities during youth she is missing just because she is keeping mum!
I understand that you feel sorry for your friend as she is not maximising her potentials. Her family, like many families, seems to have assigned stereotypical roles for the boy and the girl. Assuming that she is also upset about her status I am suggesting some solutions. May be she can approach some trust worthy person in her family to represent her grievances to her parents. She seems to lack motivation to go against the current and you can inspire her to get motivated and act. Lou Holtz, motivational speaker said, "Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." You say that she has the ability; I have asked you or someone else to motivate her and all she needs to do is to change her attitude from 'I can't' to 'I can'. Only then will she take the first step forward. There will be obstacles in her journey towards her goal; but obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. The sense of achievement after reaching the goal will be worthy of the challenges faced. I appreciate your effort for her.
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I am a working woman. I happened to meet my close college friend recently, who has been transferred to Chennai from Delhi. She has a son. She sent me a mail asking me to see her. When I met her, I was in for a shock. She has lost a lot of weight and looks ghastly. On asking the reason she says that her husband is highly suspicious of her and does not allow her to go out of the house. She is an educated girl. He fights with her if she talks to the neighbours or the milk/paper vendors. He does not allow her to talk to her parents, go to their house or attend any family function. However, he is very much attached to his son. My friend is depressed and she wants to leave her husband. (It was an arranged marriage). I don't know what advice to give her. I strongly feel that she should leave her husband, seek employment and take care of her son.
Quitting the marriage is easier said! Let us discuss about her husband's behaviour. Possessive behaviour stems out of insecurity. People get married to gratify their inner need to belong to somebody. In couple relationship, if for one of them, this need is not fulfilled, the grievance that 'I am not important to my spouse.' or 'My spouse is not very close to me.' would bug her/him. To me it seems that her husband is suffering from this insecurity-that his wife is more affectionate to others! The negative behaviour of suspicion and control is only to retain her with him and only him! He needs urgent professional help. As for your friend, I would suggest that she may give a try to treat him. It is a Herculean task to take such people for treatment, as they would keep denying the problem. She can meet a psychiatrist first to seek advice. Your friend is exhausted. She is almost on the verge of breaking down. The doctor will deal with her depression too. Let her take one step at a time-to get rid of her depression and gain strength first and then approach her husband's problem. Would anyone think of abandoning someone if s/he is sick? If she understands his plight, she would empathize with him, try to set him right and not think of separation at this point.
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We have been married for ten years now. Our marriage was going fine until recently. My husband is a Marketing chief in a company and tours a lot. Recently, I came to know that he has had one-night flings with other women on and off. When I came to know of this I felt as though the nest that I had nurtured with love and care came crashing down. I gave up a good job to stay at home and look after my family. I try to please my husband in all ways, keeping fit, grooming myself, making dishes he loves and I try not to burden him with problems about our children and home. My husband has apologized and professes his love for me. I do not want to continue the marriage. I feel cheated and betrayed. Why should I live with a man who has slept with other women? Pl. don't tell me that for the sake of my children I have to continue to live with him. I can take up a job (I am a software professional) and take care of my children.
Madam, I understand the intensity of anger due to the betrayal. Whether to live with him or to walk out will surely be your decision. In this highly emotional state, you will make decisions about which you will regret later. Give yourself sometime to mull over the situation. If there is no intimacy between the couple, extra-marital affairs can happen. Intimacy is possible only if the couple feels very connected and behaves in a manner that each one matters a lot to the other. Please check whether you have sometimes behaved as if your parents were more important or as if your husband is not capable/significant. From his side, may be he does not feel close to you! Or there is a hesitation to discuss everything with you. Our society has become very promiscuous and extra-marital affairs are on the increase. If the affair does not become an emotional bondage, it will cease after the initial glamour. But if they were emotionally very involved, it would be difficult for both of them to get out of it. If you can, please analyze the scenario calmly and consider whether he deserves another chance. If so it is worth the effort. I have seen some couples working towards a happy relationship successfully after the bitter episode.
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I have joined work recently in a small private firm. We areonly a few staff members working here. I am fresh out of college and I have been appointed for handling calls. There is this person, another staff, in the office who keeps snapping at me all the time. He is very polite and courteous to all the others in the office. I don't know why he doesn't like me. I am generally well-behaved and I am doing my best to learn the ropes of office work. I feel very bad and I cannot do without interacting with him because I need to get information from him every now and then. I tried talking to him about it frankly. He just shrugged and walked out. I don't want to report to the employer about it because this guy has been in the firm for 5 years whereas I am only a week old! I feel frustrated, embarrassed and terribly hurt. How do I handle him?
If you are going to judge a person's attitude within one week, my friend, you will be in trouble often, for having misjudged someone! May be he has some trouble in accepting you in his team; may be he wanted to bring somebody else in your place; may be he has grievances against his boss for not having consulted him before appointing you. There can be many 'may be's like this which could be the reason for his arrogance towards you! If you make assumptions, you will be making an ' ass' of 'u' and 'me'!! Assumption is beliefs sans proof! You are starting on a wrong foot, in that case. If you are a very touchy person, you will not be able to stand a cold or hot behaviour. If your self esteem is low, you will take criticisms very hard. Please do not conclude that he does not like you. Give him sometime to understand you. Be sure of yourself, so that you are aware of your value. If you are sure of yourself, you will not be upset about his behaviour. Experience will tell you, “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." May be both of you will become the best of friends later!
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I have a daughter who has excelled in academics and is employed in an MNC today. She is doing very well in her life. Our problem is that she is our only daughter. My husband and I love her very much and we share a very comfortable relationship with her, which has always been open and warm. We were disappointed when she said that she was not thinking about marriage in the near future. She lives in another flat in the city. I have come to hear disturbing news about her. I believe she has male visitors and there are night parties. I also heard that their company takes them for some conferences or whatever in ECR and that they are free to move and sleep with anybody! A friend of my told me categorically that my daughter too is involved in all these. It is very hard for us to believe and accept this, even though we are quiet modern in our views. We do believe that women should get the best education and go to work. However, relationships, promiscuity and all other transgressions are unacceptable to us. I tried to broach the topic with my daughter, but whenever I do this, she shrugs and tells me that I am overly suspicious. She tells me to relax and be cool. I have lost my sleep and dangerous thoughts keep haunting me all the time. Do you think our daughter will change?
"Though they are with you, yet they belong not to you; you may give them your love; but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts."- Although I understand your anxiety, I see your 'ownership' of your daughter as the reason for your anxiety! Learn to let go, as quoted from Kalil Gibran. You can do nothing about her belief system being opposite to that of yours! While today's parents take pride in the success of their children, they are unable to accept their children's non-conformity! If your daughter is able to handle the newfound freedom with discrimination, your worry is baseless. If you have not trained her that way, she could mess up!! She would learn only through her experiences-not by your advice. You can play a supportive role. Give her the confidence that you would not judge her with your yardstick and that she could share anything with you. Once she knows that she is accepted by parents as she is, she would listen to you. It seems like you are assuming many things and also listening to hear-says regarding your daughter. Please do not encourage this trend, as you would over react to her and hurt her. Stop brooding and start trusting her.
