Who needs a husband?

My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

The Bridegroom   

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

How to Get Rich   

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Painless   

The Mitras were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Mitra made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Mitra turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

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Funny Ads and Signboards

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents’ expense."

In a restaurant the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

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After making a trip of South India, Mandu Mohan, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Kerala Express. Mohan was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son, the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations the son requested Mandu Mohan to buy him a cup of  ice cream to which  he readily agreed. When Mohan and his son returned they found that a North Indian who couldn't understand Tamil had occupied his son's berth. Outraged, Mandu Mohan called the TT and asked him to help. The TT did not understand  Tamil   and asked him to repeat the situation to him in English.

Mohan  explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving berth to my child."

Mohan and Sohan work in a software company. One day, they were to move their computers to another building.  Mohan was having a tough time carrying his machine.

Sohan : "My Computer has 250GB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 120 GB. Can't you carry even this much?"
Mohan : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!

While visiting Mohan's house, Sohan noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model. Thinking that perhaps the larger set had broken down, Sohan asked why the small one was there.

"Oh," Mohan replied, "I have decided to watch less TV."

Mohan was a carpenter on a building site, he rushed up to the site engineer. "Sir, Sir!" he cried, "Someone just dropped a knife from the top of the scaffold and sliced my ear off!"
 
The site engineer immediately organized a search party to find the ear in the hope that a micro-surgeon would be able to sew it on again, if it was well-preserved in ice and taken immediately to the hospital in a thermos flask.
 
"Here it is!" cried one of the searchers, waving an ear.

 
"No, that s not it," said the injured Mohan, "mine had a pencil behind it!"

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At a Dog Shop

Mother: Can I have an Alsatian for my son?
Salesman: Sorry, we don’t exchange goods!

In a pub
Man :  I think there’s a black hairy thing in my drink.
Barmaid :  It’s a false eyelash, you fool! It sometimes falls off when I blink!

In a clinic
Patient: Doctor, I swallowed a spanner!
Doctor: Are you choking?
Patient: I am serious!

At a movie theatre
Father: Oh , No! I left the tickets at home! Will you go home and see?
Son ; Ok Dad
(After he gets back)
Son: Yes. Dad, the tickets are on the kitchen table!

At School

Teacher: I’m sorry Mrs. Mohan, your son has been cheating in exams.
Mrs. Mohan: You can’t prove that I’m sure.
Teacher: Well, put it this way. His neighbour’s first answer was ‘Yes’ and your son’s was ‘Yes’.
Mrs. Mohan: So, that proves nothing
Teacher: But for question two his neighbour wrote, ‘ I don’t  know’ and your son wrote’ Neighter do I’.

Mother Do you really think my daughter has a photographic memory?

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Nurse: Congrats Mr. Mohan. You have become a father.
Mohan: Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her!

Mohan: I haven’t slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Mohan:  I got the upper berth.
Friend: Why didn’t you get it exchanged?
Mohan: How could I, There was nobody to exchange with in the lower birth!

Mandu Mohan’s wife got sick of him and told him categorically that she wanted a divorce. Mohan too thought he had enough of the woman who did not understand his brilliance. So they filed an application for divorce.

Judge asked: How will you divide, you have 3 children?
Mohan replied: Ok! We will apply next year.

Mohan once applied for leave from office because his wife was sick. The divorce matter had settled by then and he felt compassionate towards his wife:

Dear Sir,

My wife is ill. As there is no other husband in the family to look after her,
kindly grant me leave for one day.